Talkin’ Smack With Gregg Valentino: The Barbarian Brothers

By Gregg Valentino
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Updated: January 1, 2015

TWEET: Due to Management cuts, the Light at the ‘End of the Tunnel’ will now be switched off!!!…But “Why Cut Back”……. Excuse me, I have to recharge my Flamethrower.

****MESSAGE TO ALL MY ‘RAMBLIN’ FREAK’ READERS…AS YOU ALL KNOW BY NOW, I AM NO LONGER WITH BRAND X…. I WAS RELEASED BY A “NO BALLS” – TEXT MESSAGE FROM THE BOSS HIMSLF, THANKING ME FOR MY YEARS OF SERVICE…LOL, YO HOW GUTLSS IS THAT??? ….BUT HEY, I WAS NOT ALONE, THERE WAS A BUNCH OF OTHERS RELEASED WITH ME AS WELL….HEY IT WAS A GOOD THING,,, FOR ME!!!!…

ALTHOUGH I ENJOYED MY TIME THERE AND I THANK STEVE BLECHMAN FOR HAVING ME ALL THOSE YEARS, BUT IT REALLY WAS TIME FOR ME TO MOVE ON…I FELT I WAS GETTING STALE THERE AND STEVE HAD MY HANDS TIED CREATIVELY ….I ALSO FELT THAT THE DIRECTION THAT STEVE IS TAKING THAT ONCE GREAT MAGAZINE WHICH IS NOW REDUCED TO ‘A PAMPHLET OF SUPPLEMENT ADS’ AND USLESS BYTES , IS NOW DOOMED TO FAIL!!! …

SO NOW I AM HERE ON MSM,,, MY NEW HOME AND I CAN TELL YOU THAT I FEEL ALIVE AGAIN!!….HEY IN JUST ONE MONTH A LOT OF FUN EXCITING THINGS ARE HAPPENING HERE AT MSM…. JOE PIETARO, MY BROTHER AND MSM PUBLISHER/EIC, HAS GIVEN ME ‘THE GREEN LIGHT’ TO BE CREATIVE AGAIN…SO I AM GOING TO START THINGS OFF WITH JUST A LONG ASS (FUN-CRAZY) STORY FROM BACK IN THE DAY….BUT,,,MY NEXT COLUMN WILL BE ALL THE THINGS YOU LOVED OVER THE YEARS ABOUT MY RAMBLIN’ FREAK COLUMN,,,, INCLUDING MY GIRL MERCEDES WACKY STUFF,, RANTS ON STEROIDS,,,MY CRAZY LIFE WITH CRAZY PEOPLE AND OF COURSE CRAZY STORIES FROM MY PAST…SO GET ON YOUR TOILETS,,, DROP A SCUD AND ENJOY THIS NEXT STORY….THANKS FOR BEING HERE!!!…OH YEAH,,, FUCK OFF!!!…< DAMN THAT FELT GOOD!!!!..

FACT: A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure Depression…. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the Frog gets Depressed again.”…

BACK IN THE DAY….I REMEMBER BACK IN 1982 I WAS LIVING IN SANTA MONICA AND I WAS TRAINING AT GOLDS GYM BACK THEN AND IT WAS A TOTAL “FREAK SHOW” EVERY DAY!!!… OH YEAH BABE, I COULD TELL YOU A MILLION STORIES FROM BACK THEN, I SEEN A LOT OF SHIT GO ON IN GOLDS GYM ( THE ‘REAL’ GOLDS GYM NOT THAT COMMERCIAL BULLSHIT THAT IS THERE TODAY) … YO EVERY DAY WAS A DIFFERENT WACKY STORY BACK THEN, IT WAS A FUN AWESOME TIME FOR ME, A GREAT TIME TO TRAIN AND BODYBUILDING WAS MORE FUN THEN!!!!….

RIGHT NOW, THIS STORY JUMPS INTO MY HEAD, IT INVOLVES 2 OF THE MOST POPULAR GUYS IN GOLDS GYM, FROM BACK IN THAT ERA.,,,THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS!!!…PETER & DAVID PAUL….2 TWIN MASS MONSTERS WHO WERE VERY CHARISMATIC AS WELL AS OUT OF THEIR FRIGGIN MINDS!!!… THEY WERE TWO SICK FUCKS WHO PUT ON A SHOW EVERY DAY!!!!… AND,,,,IT SEEMED THEY WERE ALWAYS THERE NO MATTER WHAT TIME OF DAY YOU WENT INTO GOLDS GYM… ONE DAY THEY WOULD BE SCREAMING AND SMACKING THE SHIT OUTTA EACH OTHER AND THE NEXT DAY THEY WERE HITTING ON THE GIRLS ,,, FARTING,,,PICKING THEIR NOSE ,,,, PUKING….FIGHTING EACHOTHER,,,,OR JUST LAYING ON THE GYM FLOOR RELAXING… THEY WERE ALWAYS A GREAT SHOW!!!

I REMEMBER THEM ALWAYS COMING INTO GOLDS GYM DRINKING A GALLON OF CAROB MILK BEFORE THEY TRAINED AND ON THIS DAY THEY WERE BOTH DRINKING IT TOO!!!… FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, CAROB MILK IS LIKE A HEALTH FOOD STORES VERSION OF CHOCOLATE MILK…OH YEAH BABE, IT’S DEFINITLY AN L.A. THING… NOW KEEP IN MIND I KNEW BOTH BROTHERS PRETTY WELL… THEY USED TO BREAK MY BALLS EVERY DAY IN THE GYM TELLING ME I LOOKED LIKE PETER SEIGAL WITH BIG ARMS (TRUST ME, I LOOKED NOTHING LIKE PETER SEIGAL!!!) … PETE SEIGAL USED TO WRITE FOR THE MUSCLE MAGAZINES AND WAS THE 1980’s PRO BODYBUILDING VERSION OF HEAD CASE FIXER TONY ROBBINS... AND PETER SEIGAL USED TO PAL AROUND WITH THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS.

ON THIS DAY I BROUGHT A GIRL I HAD JUST MET TO GOLDS GYM… SHE WAS A YOUNG YUMMY MEXICAN / AMERICAN GIRL I MET 2 WEEKS EARLIER IN A LAUNDROMAT… HER NAME WAS ROSA AND SHE WAS LIKE 18 AND I WAS 21 AT THE TIME, SHE WAS ALSO VERY INTO MY MUSCLE SIZE AND THE SPORT OF BODYBUILDING ITSELF… ANYWAY I TOOK HER ON A FEW DATES AND ON THIS DAY I BROUGHT HER TO GOLD’S GYM AND WATCHED AS HER EYES WERE POPPING OUT LIKE A KID ON CHRISTMAS MORNING…SHE TOTALLY LOVED BUILT JACKED GUYS AND GOLDS WAS LOADED WITH THE BIGGEST GUYS IN THE WORLD AS WELL AS A FEW GIRLS WHO WERE JACKED UP TOO… AT THAT TIME, YOU NEVER SAW FEMALE BODYBUILDERS ANYWHERE ELSE BUT AT GOLDS IN VENICE… IT WAS A RARE ODDITY BACK THEN TO SEE A GIRL WTH BIG MUSCLES.

ANYWAY…ROSA WAS SUPPOSED TO WORKOUT WITH ME BUT INSTEAD SHE JUST WENT AROUND WITH ME TO EACH MACHINE I WAS WORKING OUT ON AND SHE SAT NEXT TO ME AS I TRAINED HARD TO TRY AND IMPRESS HER… NOW AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS CAME INTO THE GYM AND MADE THEIR DAILY APPEARANCE… AND AS THE TWO BARBARIAN BONEHEADS WALKED BY WHERE ROSA & I WERE, THEY YELLED OUT TO ME ’’HEY.. IT’S PETER SEIGAL,,,, WHAT’S UP PETE???‘’… ROSA LOOKED AT ME AND SAID “WHAT DID THOSE BIG GUYS CALL YOU???”… IS THAT REALLY YOUR NAME???… I MEAN I THOUGHT YOUR NAME IS GREGG!!!!… I TOLD HER THAT THEY WERE JUST PLAYIN AROUND,,, NOT TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING THEY SAY, IT WAS A JOKE!!!….OH YEAH BABE,, LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING OF THINGS TO COME.

LATER ON I WAS DOING HEAVY SHOULDER PRESSES ON A POWER RACK WHILE ROSA WAS SITTING ON A FLAT BENCH NEXT TO ME IN AWE… EVENTUALLY THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS CAME OVER TO ANOTHER POWER RACK ABOUT 10 FEET AWAY FROM ME TO DO SOME HEAVY SQUATTING… THEY STARTED SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER TO PYSCH EACH OTHER UP… I ASSURED ROSA THAT THIS WAS NORMAL, AN EVERYDAY THING WITH THEM…..

THEN AS ONE OF THE BROTHERS WAS ABOUT TO START HIS SET, HE STEPPED BACK FROM THE BAR, LIFTED HIS LEG AND FARTED REALLY SUPER LOUD AND THE WHOLE GYM HRAD IT AND EVERYONE STARTED LAUGHING!!!… …IT WAS A MEGA ANAL BLAST OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!!!…..THE OTHER BROTHER SCREAMED OUT “THAT’S DISGUSTING” AND HE THEN LIFTED HIS LEG AND FARTED TOO!!!… I GUESS THE OTHER BROTHER FELT LEFT OUT!!!…

KEEP IN MIND, EVERYTHING THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS DID WAS A CONTEST TO SEE WHO COULD OUT DO THE OTHER … YO THESE TWO PINHEAD BROTHERS WEIGHED CLOSE TO 280lbs AND THIS WAS BACK IN THE EARLY 80’s …IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE AT THE SAME TIME 80’s PRO BODYBUILDER ALI MALA WAS WALKING BY AND IT PISSED HIM OFF TO THE POINT THAT HE MUMMBLED SOMETHING UNDER HIS BREATH AND THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS JUST BARKED AT HIM AND LAUGHED AT HIM TOO …..

EVERYTHING THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS DID WAS A SHOW AND EVERYONE IN GOLDS GYM WAS USED TO IT… THE FARTING THING WAS KINDA FUNNY, BUT THE MINUTE THEY STARTED SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER ROSA JUMPED OFF THE BENCH AND STOOD REALLY CLOSE TO ME BECAUSE SEEING 2 HUGE MASSIVE BODYBUILDES SCREAMING AT EACHOTHER KINDA SCARED THE SHIT OUTTA HER…IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT SHE WAS FRIGHTENED BY THEM WITH ALL THEIR SCREAMING AND YELLING….I TOLD HER NOT TO WORRY THAT EVERYTHING WAS COOL THAT THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME… SHE JUST STARRED AT THEM IN AMAZEMENT AND SHE SLOWLY SAT BACK DOWN ON THE FLAT BENCH…

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN ONE OF THE BROTHERS STARTED SMACKING THE OTHER REALLY HARD IN THE FACE WHILE SCREAMING AT HIS BROTHER, CALLING HIS BROTHER A FUCKING PUSSY!!!… ROSA WAS NOW BUGGING OUT WITH EVERY SMACK IN THE FACE,,, SHE JUMPED BACK UP OFF THE FLAT BENCH AND SAID TO ME ‘’OH MY GOD HE IS HITTING HIS BROTHER IN THE FACE ,,, IS THAT NORMAL???” …”HOLY SHIT THAT’S FUCKING CRAZY,,, I DON’T LIKE THAT GREGG, THEY’RE SCARING ME’’… I TOLD HER TO “RELAX”… “IT’S OK”… “AND YES,,, FOR THEM IT’S TOTALLY NORMAL!!!”…

SHE DIDN’T REALIZE THE WHOLE GAME THEY WERE PLAYING, SHE NEVER SAW ANYTHING LIKE THEM BEFORE… THEY WERE JUST 2 BIG HUGE SCARY MONSTERS TO HER AND I COULD TELL SHE WAS DEATHLY AFRAID OF THEM!!!…

ANYWAY, THEY WERE SLAPPING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE AND THEN DOING SET AFTER SET OF HEAVY SQUATS, CURSING AND SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER ON EVERY REP THEY DID….I TRIED TO CALM ROSA DOWN BUT SHE KEPT GRABBING ON TO ME,,,CLAWING & DIGGING HER NAILS INTO MY ARM!!!!… I WAS NOW HAVING TROUBLE DOING MY OWN SETS BECAUSE SHE WOULDN’T LET GO OF ME…

THEN ONE OF THE BROTHERS TURNED TO ME AND SCREAMED ‘’YO SEIGAL… ARE YOU FUCKING TRAINING OR YOU BEING A LITTLE PUSSY AGAIN???”…I JUST LAUGHED AND SHOOK MY HEAD,,, BUT OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE I COULD SEE THAT ROSA WAS NOW FROZEN WITH FEAR!!!…..

THE SAME BARBARIAN THEN SAID TO ME “HEY SEIGAL, DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE AND BITCH SLAP YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND TO GET YOU GOING YOU PUSSY MOTHERFUCKER!!!’’… YO,,,THAT’S ALL THEY NEED TO SAY BECAUSE ROSA’S EYES OPENED REALLY WIDE IN FEAR AND SHE TURNED TO ME AND SAID ‘’OH MY GOD MAYBE WE SHOULD LEAVE,,, WHAT IF HE COMES OVER HERE AND HE HITS YOU???‘’… I TOLD HER HE WAS ONLY PLAYIN AND IT WAS OK,,, NOT TO WORRY!!!…

THEN AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, ONE BROTHER YELLED TO ME ‘’COME ON SEIGAL ,,, BE A MAN,,,SHOW YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND THAT YOU’RE NOT A PUSSY ,,,,GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER HERE AND DO SOME SQUATS WITH US,,,,OR SHOULD I JUST COME OVER THERE KICK YOUR FUCKING PUSSY ASS???’’

YO’,,,THAT WAS ALL I FRIGGIN NEEDED!!!,,, I YELLED BACK FOR THEM TO “SHUT UP AND SIMMER DOWN”,, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE!!!!….POOR ROSA WAS NOW SHAKING IN HER SNEAKERS …AT THIS POINT HER EYES WERE GETTING WATERY, ,,, SHE COULDN’T EVEN SPEAK!!!… I GUESS SHE THOUGHT THEY WANTED TO HIT ME EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HER THAT THEY DIDN’T MEAN IT,,,IT’S JUST A GAME THEY WERE PLAYING… BUT THAT DIDN’T SEEM TO CALM HER DOWN.

WHAT SHE DIDN’T REALIZE WAS THAT IT WAS JUST THEIR SCHTICK SO TO SPEAK… BUT ALL SHE SAW WAS THESE BIG FREAKS,,,, THEY WERE REAL LIFE MONSTERS TO HER AND IN HER EYES THEY WERE VIOLENT AND ANGRY,,,AND READY TO KICK MY ASS AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT!!!… WHEN IN FACT THEY WERE ‘GOOD GUYS’ ,,,IT WAS ALL JUST A SHOW!!!…

AT THIS POINT ROSA TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO LEAVE!!!… I TOLD HER I TO RELAX, I JUST NEEDED TO DO A FEW MORE SETS AND WE WOULD GO AS SOON AS I WAS DONE…..THEN JUST AS I STARTED TO DO A SET, THE BROTHERS STARTED TO SPIT IN EACH OTHER’S FACE!!!… IT WAS KINDA FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE AS ONE BROTHER WAS SQUATTING THE OTHER WAS CALLING HIM A PUSSY AND SPITTING SQUARE IN HIS BROTHER’S FACE!!!…YO, FULL TILT LUGGIES IN HIS BROTHERS FACE,, I SHIT YOU NOT!!!!….

ROSA SAW THIS AND WAS NOW SERIOUSLY PANICKING, SHE LITERALLY HAD TEARS IN HER EYES AND SHE WAS SHAKING IN FEAR!!!… I STOPPED MY SET AND PUT MY HAND ON HER SHOULDER AND ASKED HER IF SHE WAS OK… SHE SMACKED MY HAND AWAY AND SCREAMED AT ME “NOT TO TOUCH HER” AS TEAR ROLLED DOWN HER CHEEKS!!!… I TRIED AGAIN TO CALM HER DOWN BUT THERE WAS NO HELPING HER AT THIS POINT… I ASKED HER NOT TO LEAVE, TO JUST WAIT A LITTLE LONGER AND THEN I TOLD HER TO GO SIT BY THE STAIRS WHICH LEAD UP TO THE LOCKER ROOMS ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF THE GYM…..THERE WERE SEATS THERE AND SHE WOULD BE SAFE AWAY FROM THE MADNESS…

I KNEW SHE DIDN’T WANT TO SEE THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS ANYMORE, THEY HAD REALLY FREAKED HER OUT BIG TIME!!!… SO SHE WALKED OVER TO THE SEATING AREA AND WAITED FOR ME THERE… AFTER SHE LEFT THE BARBARIANS DID ANOTHER SET WITH ONE BROTHER SQUATTING AND SCREAMING ….AND AS HE WAS PUSHING THE WEIGHT UP THE OTHER BROTHER KEPT SLAPPING HIS FACE PUSHING HIM TO DO MORE AND GET THE HEAVY WEIGHT UP.

THEN,,,,,,WHEN HIS SET WAS FINALLY DONE,,,, THE BROTHER WHO WAS SQUATTING FELL TO THE FLOOR!!!… HE THEN BEGAN COUGHING HARD & CHOKING UP SHIT!!!… HE QUICKLY GOT UP OFF THE GYM FLOOR AND HEADED FOR THE BATH ROOMS… AT THE SAME TIME THE OTHER BROTHER CAME OVER TO ME AND SAID, “HEY SEIGAL, WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND,, IS SHE OK,,,,SHE’S A LITTLE CUTIE!!!”… I TOLD HIM “SHE WAS JUST A LITTLE FREAKED OUT BY THE WHOLE SCENE AND THAT SHE WOULD BE OK!!!”… AND WITH THAT SAID ,,,WE ALL HEARD A LOUD SCREAM,,, LIKE A GIRL IN A HORROR MOVIE!!!…ACTUALLY MORE LIKE ‘A CRY’ MIXED WITH A SCREAM!!!…

I QUICKLY LOOKED TOWARD THE STAIRS THAT GO UP TO THE LOCKER ROOMS AND ALL I SAW WAS ROSA TOTALLY FREAKING OUT,,, SHAKING HER HANDS UP BY HER HEAD AND AT THE SAME TIME SHE WAS LOOKING DOWN TOWARD THE FLOOR… A BUNCH OF GUYS IN THE GYM RAN OVER TO HER AND SO DID I …*BIG SIGH*>

WHAT HAPPENED WAS THE GYM FLOOR BATHROOMS WHICH WERE LOCATED ABOUT 12 FEET AWAY FROM ROSA WERE BOTH OCCUPIED SO I GUESS THE BARBARIAN BROTHER WAS TRYING TO MAKE IT UP TO THE LOCKER ROOMS BUT FAILED!!!!….HE WAS NOW VIOLENTLY THROWING UP ALL OVER THE FLOOR BY ROSA AND ACTUALLY SPLASHING A LITTLE VOMIT ONTO HER SNEAKERS!!!!……

OH YEAH BABE, HE HAD A BAD CASE OF PROJECTILE VOMITTING,,, PUKING UP THAT NASTY CAROB MILK HE WAS DRINKING ERLIER WHEN HE FIRST GOT TO THE GYM… IT WAS GROSS!!!… HE WAS HACKING IT UP,,, GRUNTING AND GROWLING AS HE WAS PUKING ALL OVER THE FLOOR,, RIGHT AT ROSA’S FEET!!!…

MEANWHILE HIS BROTHER WAS LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF, YELLING TO HIM ASKING HIM IF HE WANTED TO ORDER A PIZZA WITH PEPPERS AND ONIONS!!! …THEN SAYING HE COULD SEE SOME OF THE 20 EGG WHITES HE ( HIS BROTHER ) HAD EATEN EARLIER IN THE DAY… AND IN BETWEEN THE PROJECTILE BARFS AND GROWLS THE PUKING BROTHER YELLED ‘’FUCK YOU’’ TO HIS LAUGHING TWIN BROTHER.

ENOUGH WAS FINALLY ENOUGH AT THAT POINT,,, ROSA BOLTED FOR THE DOOR… I RAN OUT AFTER HER BUT SHE WAS FREAKING OUT AND CRYING LIKE A BABY CAUSE ‘THE PUKE’ ACTUALLY HAD SPLASHED ONTO HER SNEAKERS… SHE KICKED OFF HER SNEAKERS AND TOLD ME TO ”TAKE HER HOME IMMEDIATELY!!!”… SHE DIDN’T WANT HER SNEAKERS ANYMORE, THREW THEM INTO THE ROAD!!!…. SHE WAS NOW ONLY IN HER SOX BUT SHE DIDN’T CARE!!!…

YO SHE LIVED IN LONG BEACH WHICH IS AT LEAST A HALF HOUR OR MORE AWAY FROM VENICE… SO I DROVE HER BACK HOME TO LONG BEACH AND SHE REFUSED TO TALK TO ME THE WHOLE WAY HOME… YO SHE WAS SO PISSED OFF AND MORTIFIED AFTER THAT INCIDENT THAT SHE NEVER RETURNED ANY OF MY CALLS AND I NEVER SAW OR HEARD FROM HER AGAIN.

YO WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE GYM ONLY ONE BARBARIAN BROTHER WAS STILL THERE AND HE ASKED ME TO GIVE HIM A RIDE TO HIS GIRLFRIEND’S APARTMENT CAUSE HE LOCKED HIS KEYS IN HIS CAR… LIKE AN IDIOT I TOLD HIM OK!!!…

NEEDLESS TO SAY THEY FUCKED UP MY WHOLE DAY… BY THE TIME I GOT BACK TO THE GYM AND STARTED TRAINING AGAIN IT WAS HOURS LATER AND I WAS HUNGRY AND BROKEN HEARTED!!!…

NOW I KNOW THIS STORY PROBABLY GROSSES YOU OUT BUT YOU AIN’T ALONE, I GET GROSSED OUT ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS AS WELL…IT MAKES ME SICK THINKING ABOUT IT, BUT IT’S A TRUE STORY… THOSE BARBARIAN BROTHERS WERE KNOWN FOR SHIT LIKE THAT BACK THEN… IT WAS COMMON!!!…ANYWAY NEXT MONTH BACK TO ‘RAMBLIN FREAK’ MODE!!!..FUCK OFF