The Holy Grail: A How-To On Breaching the “Back Door”

By Kristal Umana
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Updated: January 28, 2015

When you go to a restaurant, there is a reason there are menus, which offer a variety of appetizers and entrees you can choose from. If it weren’t for these menus, no patrons would show up because we all want OPTIONS in life. Nothing exciting about heading to Outback and realizing they only offer a 12oz. rib eye with no other options and no sides. Just a damn steak on a plate.

“Options” are necessary for human existence. Case in point: Let’s say you come home after a long day at work and you realize you’ve locked yourself out of your house. Instinctively, you walk around to the back door hoping that it’s unlocked. If you’re lucky, a key is under the mat and you have no problem entering. But if your home is under tight security (including but not limited to: multiple deadbolts, motion detector alarms, guard dogs, biometrics eye scanning, etc.), then unfortunately your chance of entering is slim unless you successfully pull some MacGyver-type shit.

If you follow “Kristal’s Four Steps To Backdoor Entry,” I promise you will sleep safe and sound in your own home tonight:

Step #1: Do NOT force entry. If you do this, you will risk injury and also pretty much guarantee you will lose your home. Better buy a sleeping bag and start looking for sublets on Craig’s List, buddy.

Step #2: Gently start off with a small key. See how the door reacts, if the key fits, and if you make any gains with the lock.

Step #3: Grab a can of WD-40 out of your car. A little lubrication on the lock helps loosen things up for you.

Step #4: By step 4, you should have successfully manipulated the locked door enough to be able to slowly and meticulously work your way into the home. This doesn’t mean it’s time to celebrate and carelessly rush the living room. Continue to use extra caution until you know it’s safe and you have no further resistance.

And hell…if Steps #1-4 fail…then just do it the old fashioned way and get her drunk.

(Disclaimer: ONLY attempt this if all is consensual. Refer back to Step #1 if in doubt.)

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Kristal Umana is an IFBB Bikini Pro, Optimum Nutrition Sponsored Athlete, fitness model, writer/blogger, pit bull advocate, daughter, sister, aunt and wife. She is a skilled thrower of Chinese stars, loves malt liquor, believes Ron Burgundy is God, and thinks everything tastes better with pancake syrup. Beauty, booty and brains…this ultimate triple threat.