Tribestan Worldwide Presents: Talkin’ Smack By Gregg Valentino

By Gregg Valentino
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Updated: February 3, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: Two months ago Branch Warren got lost in the Alaskan wilderness with TV’s ‘Survivorman’ Les Stroud …. After 14 days only Branch came out alive but the crazy thing is Branch was playing Les’s harmonica and wearing Les’s hat!!!…Oh yeah, one more thing,,,, Branch had also gained 25 pounds!!!!… Unfortunately Les Stroud’s body was never found!!!!.. EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT AT BRAND-X NO MORE I MUST TELL YOU ALL THAT I FRIGGIN – LOVE BRANCH WARREN!!!…HE IS MY BOY!!!.

WARNING: Possible Side effects of Reading this months ‘Talkin’ Smack’ column may include ‘Euphoria’,,, ‘Uncontrolled Laughter’,,,, and ‘Painful Urination!!!’

WELCOME TO MSM’s HOUSE OF GREGG VALENTINO “TALKIN SMACK”…..I’M GLAD TO SEE YA HERE AGAIN. Welcome to the toilet I call home!….Please Come on in… My sink is your urinal!!!!!!…OH PLEASE, TELL ME THAT YOU NEVER PEED IN YOUR SINK BEFORE..YEAH RIGHT,,,YOU’RE A FRIGGIN LIAR!!!!…HEY, I’VE DONE IT A MILLION TIMES, ESPECIALLY WHEN I’M OVER MY GIRLFRIEND’S MOTHER’S HOUSE…OH, SHIT,, DID I JUST SAY THAT,,, OH, MY GOD…I HOPE MY GIRLFRIEND MERCEDES IS NOT READING THIS RIGHT NOW!!!…WHAT I REALLY I MENT WAS THAT WHENEVER I’M AT ANY OF MY FRIEND’S HOUSES, I ALWAYS PEE IN IN THEIR SINKS!!!…HEY WAIT,, I HOPE NONE OF MY FRIENDS ARE READING THIS,,,, YA KNOW WHAT ,, JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING!!!…LETS ALL JUST MOVE ON..,,,GEEZ….“Years ago, it meant something to be Crazy,, but these-days Everyone’s Fuckin Crazy!!!”

QUESTION: What’s the only Sport that White Men are better at then Black Men??

ANSWER:…Fantasy Football!!!

QUICK VENT: HOLY SHIT! AS I’M SITTING HERE WRITING THIS BULLSHIT UP “I’M CUPPING MY BALLS” ( PLAYIN’ WITH MY BALLS ) ‘JUST A LITTLE BIT’,,, AND IM PROUD TO SAY THESE BABIES ARE SOME CHUNKY MOTHA FUCKERS!!!!!….OH YEAH BABE, “DON’T HATE” JUST BECAUSE YOU GOT “LITTLE JELLY BEANS” OR BB’s SIZE BALLS !!!.…YO I GUESS IT SUCKS TO BE YOU!!!

OH, PLEASE, YOU ALL FONDLE YOUR OINIONS, ESPECIALY WHEN YOU’RE TIRED AND RIGHT NOW I’M KINDA TIRED, SO I‘M PLOPPING AROUND MY BALLS, WITH A LITTLE BIT OF A “TIRED HARD-ON” SO FORGIVE ME FOR BRAGGING.

*BIG SIGH* > BUT RIGHT NOW MY SPERM ARE LIKE LITTLE HOSTAGES JUST WAITING TO BE FREED WITH NO HELPING HAND OTHER THAN MY OWN!!!…I ALWAYS WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH A NIGHT-TIME “KICKSTAND” (AN OVER NIGHT SLEEPING HARD-ON ,,, I CALL IT A KICKSTAND BECAUSE I SLEEP ON MY SIDE AND IT PUSHES OFF THE BED LIKE A BICYCLE KICKSTAND) AND I GOTTA TAKE CARE OF THAT SHIT MYSELF WHILE MY GIRL JUST LAYS THERE A SLEEP…SNORING LIKE A MAN!!!…AND…I GET NO ORAL LOVE EITHER!!!!….BUT AT LEAST MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND DR.COLKER IS HAPPY THAT I’M A MASTURBATER…KEEP IN MIND DR. COLKER SAY’S ”RELEASING THE HOSTAGES” IS A GOOD THING FOR YOUR TESTOSTERONE LEVELS, AND MY JERKING OFF MAKES THE GOOD DOCTOR HAPPY…YO, AND I’M HARD ALL THE TIME NOW, I’M VERY FUNCTIONAL.

YO, GET OFF MY BACK , I CAN’T HELP IT THAT THE TRIBESTAN ‘WORLD WIDE’ HAS ME HARD ALL THE TIME…HEY ‘WORLD WIDE’ VERSION OF TRIBESTAN IS THE SAME “BULGARIAN SECRET” THAT HAS BEEN CIRCULATING IN THE MUSCLE MAGAZINES SINCE THE 1970’s ….ITS BY FAR THE BEST NATURAL TESTOSTERONE BOOSTER EVER MADE!!!….THE WORLD WIDE COMPANY ASKED ME TO TRY TRIBESTAN AND AT FIRST I’M THINKING, I’LL TRY ANYTHING THAT’S FREE BECAUSE MY CREED IS> IF IT’S FREE…IT’S FOR ME!!!…

YO, I GOT NOTHING TO LOSE AND IN MY MIND I FELT THAT PERSONALLY I CAN’T IMAGINE IT DOING SHIT FOR ME!!!……I WAS WRONG!!!…YO THAT TRIBESTAN SHIT WORKED AWESOME FOR ME…I TOLD THE TRIBESTAN WORLDWIDE COMPANY THAT I LOVED IT AND WANTED MORE TRIBESTAN SO THEY ASKED ME TO DO A VIDEO ABOUT MY RESULT FINDINGS IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE TRIBESTAN!!!……HEY THE SHIT WORKS GREAT SO I DID THE VIDEO AND GOT A SHIT LOAD OF FREE TRIBESTAN!

OH, YEAH BABE, IT’S GREAT TO BE IN THE BODYBUILDING MEDIA, YA GET ‘FREE’ CUTTING-EDGE SHIT ALL THE TIME. wink…LISTEN I’M NOT PLUGGING THE TRIBESTAN WORLDWIDE STUFF AND I AIN’T ON THE TRBESTAN WORLDWIDE PAYROLL…HELL, I DON’T CARE IF YOU BUY IT OR NOT…AS LONG AS I GET IT AND IT WORKS FOR ME, I’M HAPPY!!!…..TRUST ME, NOT ONLY AM I GETTING MUSCLE GAINS BUT FOR ME THAT TRBESTAN SHIT MAKES MARKUS (MY DICK; THAT’S IT’S NAME) HARD AS A ROCK!!!…FOR ME, I’M ALREADY JACKED THE EXTRA MUSCLE IS JUST A BONUS BUT THE BOOST IN MY SEX DRIVE IS PRICELESS!!!….SO DON’T BUY SHIT, I DON’T CARE IT’S MORE TRIBESTAN FOR ME!!…Any fool can Criticize,,, Condemn,,,Throw Shade,,, and Complain but there is an ART to being a Bull-Shiter, that’s why it’s called being a BullShit Artist!!!…GV

MORE VENTING….A neighborhood woman recently asked Mercedes to Kiss her Baby…Mercedes thought she said ‘Kick’…OOOOPS!!!!..I KEEP TELLIN YA MY GIRL MERCEDES IS A “BAD BITCH,” BUT YOU JUST DON’T LISTEN!!!!

A FEW YEARS AGO MY GIRLFRIEND MERCEDES WAS ON LINE FOR THE BATHROOM IN A LOCAL N.Y. NIGHT CLUB, WHILE SHE WAS OUT WITH HER SISTER & HER COUSIN.….WHILE SHE WAS STANDING ON LINE THIS BLACK DUDE WHO TEACHES BOXING (NOT MMA) AT A LOCAL GYM HAD BEEN GOING UP TO ALL THE GIRLS ON THE BATHROOM LINE AND HE WOULD TOUCH THEM…HIT ON THEM AND TOTALLY ANNOY THEM…THEN…WHEN HE FINALLY SAW MERCEDES STANDING ON LINE HE QUICKLY STARTED ‘KICKING IT’ TO HER (HITTING ON HER, YA MOMO).

MERCEDES WAS ALREADY AGGRIVATED WITH THE SLOW LINE AND SEEING HIM BOTHERING THE OTHER GIRLS PISSED HER OFF, SO SHE WAS IN NO MOOD!!!…OH, YEAH BABE, TRUST ME. MANY TIMES I BEEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HER BAD MOODS AND IT AINT FUN!!!! … THE BOXER WAS VERY DRUNK, BUT MERCEDES WAS NOT DRINKING AT ALL ON THIS NIGHT!!!…..SO NOW HE LEANED OVER TO TALK INTO MERCEDES EAR AND SHE PUSHED HIM AWAY,,, SHE TOLD HIM TO ”GET LOST”…. BUT HE DIDN’T GET THE HINT, SO SHE TOLD HIM TO “GO FUCK HIMSELF” WHICH PROMPTED THE DRUNKIN BOXING INSTRUCTOR TO CALL HER A “FUCKING SPIC CUNT!!!”… AS SOON THOSE WORDS CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH, MERCEDES THREW A “ROUND HOUSE PUNCH” THAT ‘CAUGHT HIM’ SQUARE ON THE CHIN!!!

HIS LEGS IMMEDIATELY BUCKLED AND ‘HIS ASS DROPPED STRAIGHT DOWN TO THE FLOOR’ IN THE SITTING POSITION!!!….SHE THEN KICKED HIM ONE TIME IN THE HEAD AND “HE WAS OUT COLD!!!”…. ANYWAY IT WAS MOSTLY A LATIN CLUB AND EVERYONE CHEERED HER!!!!…… NO ONE HELPED “THE BOXER”, HE JUST LAID THERE ON THE FLOOR WHILE PEOPLE ‘STEPPED OVER HIM’ FOR THE BATHROOM…..*** THE MORAL TO THIS STORY!> .ASIDE FROM “DON’T FUCK WITH MY GIRLFRIEND MERCEDES”,,,, IS THAT “ANYONE CAN GET KO’d” ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE DRUNK, OR ‘CAUGHT BY SURPRISED’ WITH A PUNCH!!! ...SO JUST REMEMBER THIS > “Donkeys Kill more people annually than Plane Crashes or Shark Attacks,,, so watch your ASS!!!!”…< LETS SEE IF YOU ALL GOT THAT ONE…

BACK IN THE DAY… “God made me LOVE Latin women,,, Prozac helps me deal with them!!!” …BACK IN 2003 MY BOYZ BOB BONHAM,,, MYSELF…. AND MY FRIEND BIG STEVE ZACCARO MET THESE THREE LATIN GIRLS AT EXIT NIGHT CLUB IN MANHATTAN … ALL THREE GIRLS WERE CLOSE FRIENDS; THEY WERE DOMINICAN BABES (YUM) FROM WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NYC AND ALL THREE HAD KILLER BODIES!

NOW FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T KNOW NEW YORK CITY, WASHINGTON HEIGHTS IS A RUFF GHETTO NIEGHBORHOOD AND I JUST LOVE GHETTO LATIN BABES, THEY HAVE SO MUCH FLAVOR THEY STIRS MY JUICES… OH YEAH BABE, ALL LATINA GHETTO TRASH GIRLS TOTALLY BOOST MY TESTOSTERONE LEVELS AND IT SEEMS THAT THE NASTIER THE GIRL (THE MORE PIGGY SHE IS) THE MORE TESTOSTERONE MY BALLS PRODUCE!!!!!… OH YUM!!!…AND YO’, US THREE MOMO’S WERE THE ONLY WHITE GUYS IN THE HOOD THAT DAY BUT LIKE I SAID, LATINA IS ALWAYS THE FLAVOR OF THE DAY FOR ME & MY CREW SO IF WE WANTED LATINA ASS, WE JUST HAD TO GO WITH THE GAME.

ANYWAY, THE THREE OF US GOT IN THE APARTMENT AND WE SAT ON THE COUCH WHILE OUR LITTLE HOOD RAT GIRLS WENT INTO THE BEDROOM… US THREE MOMOS JUST SAT THERE LOOKING AROUND AND AT EACH OTHER AS WE HEAR THAT REGGATONE MUSIC BLASTING… NOW GET THIS SHIT, THERE WERE TONS OF COCKROACHES ALL OVER THE PLACE,,,I MEAN THERE WASN’T EVEN ONE SQUARE INCH OF WALL SPACE WITHOUT A DAMN COCKROACH!!!

YO’, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN WELL OVER A MILLION OF THEM… DEFINITELY AN INFESTATION!!!… BUT HELL I’M KINDA USED TO SEEING THIS BECAUSE I’VE BEEN DATING LATIN BABES FROM THE HOOD FOR A LONG TIME, SO IT KINDA COMES WITH THE TERRITORY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN wink …NOW,,, ALL OF A SUDDEN BOB NUDGES ME AND SAYS ‘’THIS PLACE IS FULL OF ROACHES. LETS GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE’’… I TOLD HIM “WAIT A FEW MINUTES,” I KNOW HOW THESE GIRLS OPERATE. THEY GO IN THE BEDROOM,,, PUT OF SOME LAME-ASS REGGATONE MUSIC,,,,SMOKE A BLUNT,,, THEN COME BACK IN THE MOOD TO FUCK!!!

THEN BOB TURNS TO ME AND WHISPERS IN MY EAR THAT HE THINKS STEVE’S GIRL IS REALLY A GUY,,, A TRANNY!!!… STEVE HEARD THAT AND STARTED BREAKING BOB’S BALLS TELLING HIM BOB’S GIRL IS PROBABLY A GUY… THEY STARTED GOING AT IT BACK AND FORTH AS USUAL WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN STEVE SAYS “SHHH… LISTEN,,,, DO YOU HEAR THAT?”… BOB AND I WENT QUIET AND WERE LISTENING TO DEAD SILENCE WHEN STEVE BLASTED OUT THE LOUDEST FART YOU EVER HEARD!!!

WE ALL STARTED LAUGHING OUR ASSES OFF AS STEVE BLURTS OUT > “OH SHIT THAT STINKS TOO,,,, YO THAT OUGHTA KILL SOME OF THESE DAMN FUCKING COCKROACHES” THEN,,,, ALL OF A SUDDEN WE HEAR THIS REALLY LOUD NOISE LIKE SOMEONE’S IN THE KITCHEN!!!… THERE’S A POUNDING TYPE NOISE COMING FROM IN THE KITCHEN… SO STEVE QUIETLY GETS UP AND PEEKS IN THERE AND COMES BACK TO THE COUCH AND THEN SAYS “BRO, THAT’S FUCKED UP BECAUSE NO ONE’S IN THERE…THE KITCHEN IS EMPTY!!!”… STEVE ALSO SAYS > “THERE MUST BE SOME REALLY BIG ROACHES RUNNING AROUND IN THERE BECAUSE I DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING.”

AS BOB AND I STARTED LAUGHING OUT OF NOWHERE WE ALL HEARD A LOUD CRASH COME FROM THE KITCHEN… BOB TOTALLY STARTED FREAKING OUT TELLING STEVE TO GO BACK AND PEEK IN THERE AGAIN… SO STEVE DID JUST THAT AND STILL NOTHING… BUT NOW YOU COULD REALLY HEAR SOMEONE TRASHING AND MOVING AROUND IN THERE. IT WAS ACTUALLY A TOTALLY VIOLENT THRASHING SOUND … BOB TURNS AND SAYS TO ME AND SAYS “OH, SHIT, MAYBE IT’S A GHOST…LET’S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!”

I TOLD HIM NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT AND THAT IT’S PROBABLY NOTHING BUT THE ‘WATER IN THE PIPES’ SO JUST TRY TO RELAX!!!… STEVE THEN SAYS ‘’THIS IS BULLSHIT,,, WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING THESE GIRLS SO LONG…WHAT ARE THEY DOING!!!”… BOB THEN SAYS “STEVE, YOUR GIRL IS PROBABLY WASHING OFF HER DICK JUST FOR YOU‘’… WE ALL STARTED LAUGHING AND THEN AT THAT POINT THE GIRLS FINALLY CAME OUT OF THE ROOM…AND OF COURSE I WAS RIGHT, THEY WERE IN THERE SMOKING A BLUNT AS THE FOUL STENCH OF POT CAME OUT WITH THEM!!!…I ASKD THE GIRL I WAS WITH ‘’HEY, WHO’S IN THE KITCHEN BECAUSE WE KEEP HEARING LOUD NOISES IN THERE…IS THAT YOUR PIPES????”

SHE LOOKS AT ME LIKE I’M CRAZY. SHE THEN GOES OUT INTO THE KITCHEN AND COMES OUT WITH THE KITCHEN GARBAGE PAIL… SHE SAYS ’’OOOOH,,,, THIS IS WHAT YOU GUYS HEARD‘’… AND WITH THAT SHE TILTS THE KITCHEN GARBAGE PAIL FOR US TO LOOK IN AND IN THE DAMN PAIL WERE TWO REALLY BIG-GIGANTIC RATS!!!… OR SHOULD I SAY TWO REALLY BIG FAT – “WELL FED” LOOKING FUCKING BLACK N.Y.C. SEWER RATS!!!!

WELL, AT THIS POINT US THREE MOMO’S ALL GAGGED… BOB THEN SAYS, ’’WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THOSE RATS IN THAT PAIL???… I MEAN, YOU CAN’T JUST REACH IN THERE AND PULL THEM OUT OF THE PAIL,,,YOU’LL GET BIT‘’… THE GIRL THEN SAYS ‘’WHAAAT,,,,OH HELL NO!!!… I AIN’T PUTTIN’ MY HAND IN THERE… I JUST GET RID OF THEM LIKE THIS!!!‘’…SHE THEN WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW, OPENS IT UP AND DUMPS THE RATS OUT OF THE PAIL – RIGHT OUT THE FRIGGIN WINDOW ONTO THE SIDEWALK BELOW!!!… NOW KEEP IN MIND, WE ARE ON ‘THE EIGHTH FLOOR’ IN NEW YORK CITY WITH PEOPLE WALKING ON THE SIDEWALK BELOW!!!!… BOB TOTALLY BUGGED OUT AND SAID ‘’WHAT THE FUCK… ARE YOU FUCKIN CRAZY????… SUPPOSE SOMEONE’S WALKING ON THE SIDEWALK BELOW???‘’

THE GIRL GRINS AND SAYS ’’OH, WELL,,,SHIIIIIT,,,, I GUESS THAT’S THEIR BAD LUCK… RIGHT????‘’…BESIDES WE DO IT ALL THE TIME,,,, EVERYONE IN THIS BUILDING DOES IT!!!!….HER FRIEND THEN SAYS ’’SHES CRAZY RIGHT?… SHE DOES THAT SHIT ALL THE TIME!!!‘’… AND WITH THAT SAID ALL THREE GIRLS START LAUGHING AND SAYING SHIT TO EACHOTHER IN SPANISH… STEVE ALSO STARTED LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF REALLY HARD BUT NOT BOB WHO TURNS TO ME AND SAYS “YO BRO, I’M GETTING OUTTA HERE. I HATE RATS!!!”… AT THAT POINT STEVE WAS LAUGHING SO LOUD, HE SLAMMED HIS FIST DOWN REALLY HARD ON TO THE COUCH’S ARM… AND ALL OF A SUDDEN ABOUT SEVEN OR EIGHT RATS COME RUNNING OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THE COUCH THAT WE WERE SITTING ON THE WHOLE TIME… THEY RAN ACCROSS THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR AND ONE RAN OVER BOB’S FOOT AND GOT CAUGHT UP ON HIS SHOE-LACE TILL BOB VIOLENTLY KICKED IT OFF HIS FOOT AS HE SCREAMED REALLY LOUD!!!

AT THIS POINT IT WAS JUST LIKE A THREE-STOOGES MOVIE,,, ALL THREE OF US LOOKED AT EACH OTHER AND SCREAMED!!!… YO WE DIDN’T SAY A WORD TO THE GIRLS, WE JUST RAN THE FUCK OUT OF THE APARTMENT … WHEN WE FINALLY GOT INTO THE CAR BOB WAS DRIVING HIS JAGUAR LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL… ALL THE WHILE HE WAS STILL FREAKING OUT BECAUSE OF THE RAT GETTING CAUGHT UP ON HIS SHOE-LACE!!!

NOW GET THIS SHIT – IN THE MIDDLE OF BOB RANTING LIKE A LUNATIC AS HE IS DRIVING AS WE WERE DRIVING DOWN 11^th ave WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN A HUGE BLACK RAT IS JUST SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET EAING SOMETHING, AS ANOTHER RAT RUNS ACROSS THE ROAD… NOW NORMALLY THAT’S AN EVERYDAY OCCURRENCE IN NEW YORK CITY… HEY HERE IN NEW YORK CITY WE SEE RATS RUNNING ACROSS THE ROAD ALL THE TIME… BUT THIS TIME IT WAS DIFFRERENT, IT WAS A LITTLE ERIE… BOB JUST PUTS ON THIS SHIT EATIN’ GRIN AND YELLS “YOU RUINED MY NIGHT, YOU LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER… NOW YOU’RE GONNA DIE!!!”… AND WITH THAT BOB SWERVED RIGHT OVER THE RAT TOTALLY CRUSHING IT ON THE ROAD!!!

HE THEN TURNS TO ME, SMILES AND SAYS… “MAYBE THAT WAS ONE OF THE LITTLE BASTARDS FROM THE GARBAGE PAIL…I GUESS I RUINED HIS NIGHT, TOO” SAID “BOB THE RAT KILLER!!!”… WE ALL LOOKED AT EACH OTHER AND THOUGHT FOR A SECOND, THEN WE ALL STARTED LAUGHING…YES IT WAS JUST ANOTHER CRAZY NIGHT IN FROM BACK IN THE DAY… TILL NEXT MONTH,,, FUCK OFF!!!