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Muscle Sport Magazine

Talkin’ Smack By Gregg Valentino, aka The Ramblin’ Freak

Caution: This column may cause drowsiness. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle..G.V.

MESSAGE TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE >  MERCEDES,  MARCH 4TH – HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITCH!!! ,,,YOU ROTTEN,,, NO GOOD LYING,,, CHEATING SLUT-PIG- WHORE,,, GHETTO TRASH,,,, SEWER RAT,,,, PUTA I FUCKING LOVE YOU BABY!!!!….XXXOOO

TWEET: To all the “Valentino Haters” > My Girlfriend ‘Talks Shit’ about me when we are having SEX because she knows how much ‘It Turns Me On!!!’I FRIGGIN LOVE IT!!!… PLEASE DON’T STOP TALKIN BOUT ME, I’M GETTING AROUSED ALREADY!!!!.. Hey, if you have an inferiority complex, it’s fully justified.FUCK OFF!!…. YO’ I AM GODZILLA AND YOUR JAPAN” ,,,,SO “DON’T FUCK WITH ME!!!”I WILL FRIGGIN EAT YOU ALIVE!!!….YA HEARD??.. AND,,,Behind every ‘Successful Man’ there is a Very Surprised & Totally Shocked Woman!!”

One time I came home from work, walked into Mercedes bedroom and found some guy fucking Mercedes…. I Freaked-Out and yelled “Oh My God Mercedes what the hell are you doing????” …..Mercedes turned to the guy and said, “Ya see, I told you he is stupid!!!”YO’, SPEAKING OF MY GIRLFRIEND MERCEDES , WE WERE IN MANHATTAN LAST NIGHT AND WE ATE IN CHINATOWN ..DAMN, YO IF YOU EVER BEEN TO NEW YORK CITY’S CHINATOWN, YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY > “I FELT LIKE WAS SITTING IN A HOMELESS WOMAN’S VAGINA…..YO CHINATOWN, FUCKING REEKS BAD JUST LIKE ROTTING SEAFOOD OR DEAD VAGINA!!! …OOOOWWWA, BUT THE FOOD IS GREAT!!! …A million flies can’t be wrong!!!!

 

TIME TO VENT ….I HATE WHEN PEOPLE WHO NEVER MET ME ACCUSE ME OF DOING SHT WITHOUT KNOWING ME PERSONALLY OR ESPECIALLY NOT KNOW THE FACTS…LIKE ALL THE INTERNET THE SYNTHOL ACCUSATIONS,,, HEY BEFORE I EVER TOOK STEROIDS I WAS ACCUSED OF TAKING THE SHIT (STEROIDS) TOO…….THAT WAS FUNNY BECAUSE EVEN AT 160 LBS I WAS VERY VERY HARD AND BIG,,, EVEN AS A TEENAGER…..HEY BACK THEN I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT STEROIDS WERE, I TRAINED AT HOME AND AT A NAUTILUS CENTER (REMEMBER THOSE???,,, I’M SHOWING MY AGE)

YO I  WAS NOT EVEN AROUND OTHER BODYBUILDERS AND THE MAGAZINES DIDN’T TALK ABOUT STEROIDS SO IT WASN’T TILL I MET ANOTHER NATURAL BODYBUILDER WHO  TOLD ME ABOUT STEROIDS…HIS NAME WAS PETER NEFF AND HE BRAGGED ABOUT BEING NATURAL,,,AT FIRST I WAS LIKE “WHATS UN-NATURAL???”,,, I THOUGHT HE MEANT HE WAS A VEGAN OR HE ATE ONLY RAW FOODS,, I HAD NO IDEA WHAT NATURAL MEANT!!!!….. THE FUNNY THING IS EVEN AS A NATURAL BODYBUILDER I WAS ACCUSED BY GUYS WHO WERE TAKING THE SHIT THEMSELVES…..AND FAST-FORWARD TO TODAY,  I BELEIVE THAT EVEN TODAY GUYS WHO SWEAR I TOOK SYNTHOL ARE GUYS WHO USE IT THEMSELVES.Fall2009

THE SYNTHOL MYTH: GET IT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING THICK PIN-HEADS,>>  “I DID NOT USE THAT SYNTHOL GARBAGE!!! I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IT’S PERCEPTION, WHEN YOU SEE MY ARMS LOOKING ALL RETARDED ITS APPEARENCE IS THAT OF SOMETHINGS NOT RIGHT!!!!..I DID DO LOCALISED SHOTS, BUT OF OIL BASED STEROIDS NOT SYNTHOL I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW, BUT LET ME TELL YOU>>  YOUTUBE IS LOADED WITH VIDEO’S THAT SHOW MY BALLOON ARM (FILLED WITH BLOOD,,, NOT OIL) FROM THE TLC SPECIAL… IT WAS  MY LEFT ARM ONLY , IT WAS A HEMATOMA  AND I FILMED IN THE BATHROOM MIIRROR AS I DRAINED IT OF BLOOD!!

YO, IT LOOKED RETARDED BECAUSE IT WAS FILLED WITH BLOOD ONLY,,, NOT OIL ,,,,NOT PUSS…, JUST FRIGGIN BLOOD!!!…, WHICH HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH STEROIDS OR SYNTHOL, IT WAS FROM BEING HIT WITH A BAT,,,BY MY 9 YEAR OLD SON AT THE TIME!!! (MY SON IS NOW GOING ON 25 YEARS OLD SO THAT’S HOW LONG AGO THAT WAS ) .….. SO IT WAS AN INJURY!!!!!…..NOW EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET SEES THAT BULLSHIT THAT THE T.L.C. NETWORK MADE UP TO ‘SELL THEIR SHOW’ AND THEY USE IT TO CALL ME THE POSTER BOY FOR SYNTHOL USE!!!…TOTALLY FALSE!!!…YO, IN ANOTHER SCENE FROM THE TLC SHOW THEY SHOW ME IN A YELLOW SHIRT IN MY BASEMENT TALKING ABOUT HAVING AN “INFECTION IN MY BICEP” AND A SCAR WHERE AN EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR HAD “CUT” (INSTEAD OF LANCING ) MY RIGHT ARM FLATTENING THE BICEP AND CAUSING ME TO HAVE A HOLE IN MY ARM!!!..I GO ON TO SAY “I GOTTA HAVE THIS FIXED!!!”

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WELL, THAT WAS ‘MY RIGHT ARM’ (THE BALLOON ARM ,,HEMATOMA INJURY,, WAS MY LEFT ARM) I GOT IT FROM SHOOTING THE TESTOSTERONE PROPIONATE MIXED WITH EQ DIRECTLY INTO THE MUSCLE (MEANING I LOCATED THE SHOTS) AND NOT USING CLEAN NEEDLES (I RE-USED NEEDLES) …JUST LOOK AT THE TATOO’S ON THE ARM THAT I AM TALKING ABOUT, ‘IT’S NOT THE SAME ARM’  THAT’S IN THE VIDEO OF ME DRAINING THE BLOOD!!!….ONLY ONE ARM WAS A BALLOON, THAT WAS THE LEFT ARM,,, MY RIGHT ARM WAS NOT A BALLOON!!!

JUST WATCH THE TLC VIDEO AGAIN, YOU’LL SEE THAT I AM RIGHT,,, LOOK AT THE TATOO’S, ITS NOT THE ARM!!……. TO BE HONEST WITH YOU IT WAS ABOUT 150 cc’s OF BLOOD, IF THAT WAS PUSS I WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD…NO-ONE WOULD SURVIVE THAT AMOUNT OF PUSS IN A SMALL AREA LIKE A BICEP AND STILL BE FILMING THEMSELVES IN THE MIRROR LIKE I DID WITH A GRIN ON MY FACE TALKING ON THE PHONE WITH BOB BONHAM!!!..…..IT WAS ONE ARM ONLY, WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, DO YOU THINK IF I WAS GOING TO SHOOT SYNTHOL I WOULD SHOOT ONLY ONE ARM,????….WHY WASN’T THE OTHER ARM LOOKING LIKE A BALLON????…FUCKING MOMO’S!!!!
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IT WAS NOT AN INFECTION AND I DIDN’T ALMOST DIIE NOR GO TO THE HOSPITAL,  I MEAN HOLY SHIT,  THAT FRIGGIN T.L.C SHOW TOTALLY PUT THEIR OWN SPIN ON THAT BULLSHIT!!!…AND YES OVER THE YEARS I HAD GOTTEN AN INFECTION FROM SHOOTING STEROIDS, BUT THERE AINT A BODYBUILDER (OR GYM RAT MOMO) WHO SHOOTS HIMSELF WITH THE SHIT WHO HASN’T ONE TIME OR ANOTHER GOTTEN A LITTLE INFECTION OR FUCKED UP REACTION…IT’S THE NATURE OF THE BEAST!!!….ITS COMMON BUT IT WAS NOT THE CASE IN MY LEFT (BALLOON TLC) ARM,,,,FOR THE LAST TIME >  THAT WAS THE HEMATOMA!!!!!!….SO FUCK YOU IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE ME ..AND THE PICTURES OF MY ARM CUT WAS BECAUSE I HAD A VEIN FIXED & THEN I HAD A SKIN REDUCTION FROM IT BEING STRETCHED!!!!…AGAIN ONLY IN MY LEFT ARM!!!!!!. “THERES NO SUCH THING AS BAD PUBLICITY, UNLESS OF COURSE  IT’S YOUR OBITUARY NOTICE!!!!”…GV

      SOME RANTING:  OH MY GOD,,,I WAS WATCHING A GIRL SPOTTING A BRAND NEW IFBB PRO BIKINI GIRL ( ONE OF THE ENDLESS MANY  ) IN THE GYM TONIGHT!!!….THE BIKINI GIRL WAS SQUATING IN A SMITH MACHINE (< FRIGGIN BUSH LEAGUE!!! ) AND IN THE MIDDLE OF HER SET SHE THREW THE LOUDEST“MAN FART” I’VE EVER HEARD THROWN IN THE GYM!!!…..YO I WAS JUST LOOKING AT THAT TIGHT LITTLE ASS OF HERS AND THE GIRL SPOTTING HER WAS PRETTY HOT IN THE ASS DEPARTMENT TOO…OH YEAH BABE….YUM YUM!!!

THEN, THE BIKINI PIGGY SQUATED DOWN AND ON HER WAY UP,  SHE THREW THE KINDA FART EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FATHER USED TO THROW WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOUR DAD WAS IN BED SLEEPING!!!…YO’ REMEMBER WHEN YOUR DAD OR GRAND-DAD WOULD BE LAYING ON THE BED AND KA-BOOM >..VEERRRRPPPP….YEAH,,, IT WAS THAT KINDA FART!!…YO THAT’S A LOUD FART!!!

THE FUNNY PART TO THIS STORY IS THAT THE GUYS IN THE GYM ALL ‘DROPPED THEIR WEIGHTS’ IN UTTER SHOCK!!! …ONE GUY YELLED OUT “OH SHIT,,, WAS THAT A FART OR DID SOMEONE DROP A 45lb PLATE ON THE FLOOR”….AND THE GIRL WHO WORKS IN THE GYM OFFICE ACTUALLY CAME OUT OF THE OFFICE AND ‘LOOKED AT ME’ AS IF IT WAS ME WHO THREW THE DAMN FART!!!UMMM NO!!!…..I JUST POINTED TOWARD MS. BIKINI PRO AND THE OFFICE GIRL’S EYES GOT REAL BIG AND SHE MOUTHED THE WORDS “NO FUCKING WAY!!!”THE CRAZY THING OF IT ALL IS,  IT ( THE FART ) KINDA ‘TURNED ME ON’ BECAUSE SHE HAS A SMALL TIGHT LITTLE ASS JUST LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND….I WOULD DEFINITELY GIVE HER A LITTLE “VALENTINO SPAM” ( SPAM IS > “HAM IN A CAN” ) THAT’S MY HAM– IN HER CAN!!!ASS IT’S A “FOOD OF LOVE THING”  BABE!!

BACK IN THE DAY…..EX-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF MUSCULAR okDEVELOPMENT & FLEX MAGAZINE ROBBIE DURAND IS NOW WITH US AT MSM….SO IN HIS HONOR I WANNA TELL A STORY HE ONCE TOLD ME WHEN WE WERE AT BRAND X TOGETHER.

ROBBIE HAD JUST GOTTEN BACK FROM TEXAS WHERE HE WAS FILMING A VIDEO WITH SHAWN RAY,,, FLEX WHEELER & RONNIE COLEMAN…QUICK QUESTION: “UMMM, Am I really the only one that has a Ronnie Coleman poster on my ceiling???”…BY THE WAY, ROBBIE DURAND HAS A ‘GREGG VALENTINO’ POSTER ON HIS CEILING!! << THAT’S A FACT!!!

NOW AS YOU ALREADY KNOW  (AND IF YOU DON’T YOU’RE A FRIGGIN MOMO)  TEXAS IS RONNIE COLEMAN’S HOME AND DOWN THERE RONNIE IS A FRIGGIN GOD!!!.…WHEN ROBBIE CALLED ME HE HAD JUST GOTTEN BACK FROM HAVING DINNER WITH THESE 3 MD LEGENDS!!!… BUT ROBBIE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE CATCHING UP TO RONNIE WHO WAS DRIVING HIS SUV OVER 120 mph….UMMM YES, THAT IS NOT A TYPE-O.., I SAID 120 MILES-PER-FUCKING-HOUR!!!!….OH AND BY THE WAY , RONNIE WAS BLASTING TUPAC SO LOUD THAT EVEN THOUGH RONNIE’S SUV WAS SPEEDING ON THE HIGHWAY OVER 200 YARDS IN-FRONT OF ROBBIE, HE ( ROBBIE ) SAID THAT HE COULD HEAR THAT “SHIT” (TUPAC,,, NOISE POLUTION)  BLASTING’ FROM RONNIES CAR JUST AS IF ROBBIE WAS DRIVING RIGHT NEXT TO BIG RONNIE!!!

MEANWHILE POOR FRIGGIN ROBBIE WAS LISTENING TO “LADY GAGA” IN A RENT-A-CAR WITH SHAWN RAY NAGGING ROBBIE TO GO FASTER WHILE RONNIE WAS DRIVING WITH FLEX WHEELER WHO I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WAS ‘EGGING ON’ RONNIE TO “HIT THE GAS PEDDLE” AND LOSE ROBBIE & SHAWN!!!…YO WHEN IT COMES TO AN ‘OPEN ROAD’ , FLEX WHEELER HAS A “NEED FOR SPEED!!!”…NOW ROBBIE ALSO TOLD ME THAT SHAWN WAS TELLING HIM (ROBBIE) “NOT TO LOSE RONNIE” AND TO “CATCH UP” TO BIG RONNIE….ROBBIE JUST BLURTED OUT TO SHAWN > “NO FUCKING WAY BRO,,.RONNIE IS FRIGGIN CRAZY,,,I WANNA LIVE!!!”roncoleman

ROBBIE SAID THAT RONNIE WAS EVEN HITTING THE FRIGGIN TURNS AT OVER 100 mph!!!****YEAAAAH BUDDDDIEEEEEE****……FINALLY, WHEN ROBBIE AND SHAWN GOT TO THE RESTERAUNT A FULL 20 mins.  AFTER RONNIE AND FLEX HAD ALREADY ARRIVED!!!…SO BIG RONNIE SAID TO ROBBIE > “YO ROBBIE , WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG???

KEEP IN MIND,  NODALLAS COP” IS GONNA GIVE RONNIE COLEMAN A FRIGGIN SPEEDING TICKET!!! ..YO JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, RONNIE TOLD ME ‘PERSONALLY’ THAT HE (RONNIE, YA FRIGGIN MEATBALLS)  STILL HAS HIS BAGDE AND THAT HE IS NOW JUST A “PART-TIME POLICE OFFICER” SO HE STILL HAS “POLICE OFFICER STATUS” EVEN THOUGH HE IS NO LONGER A FULLTIME COP!!!…BOTTOM LINE MOMO’S > RONNIE IS ONLY “SEMI-RETIRED!!”,,, NOT “FULLY RETIRED!!!”

ANYWAY WHEN SHAWN RAY WAS IN THE RENT-A-CAR HE TOLD ROBBIE THAT JUST THE DAY BEFORE,,,, RIGHT AFTER FILMING A VIDEO IN THE GYM ALL DAY,  RONNIE GAVE SHAWN THE “ACCESS CODE“ (KEY-CODE) TO THE FRONT DOOR OF RONNIE’S-”HOUSE” SO THAT SHAWN COULD HANGOUT & RELAX  WHILE RONNIE WAS ‘OUT ON THE TOWN!!’

SHAWN THEN TOLD ROBBIE THAT WHEN HE (SHAWN) GOT TO RONNIE’S HE LAID ON THE COUCH AND JUST A FEW MOMENTS LATER 3 BLACK HOOD RATS COME EXPLODING THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR , THEY WERE VERY LOUD AND THEY MADE THEMSELVES RIGHT AT HOME…*****HOLD UP*****.I GOTTA STOP THIS STORY BECAUSE ‘I AM HAVING A VISION’ >>> YO’ I CAN JUST PICTURE SHAWN RAY “RELAXING” ON RONNIE COLEMAN’S COUCH WHEN 3 HOOD RATS LET THEMSELVES IN AND START MAKING ALL KINDS OF NOISE!!!!….I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!…YA GOTTA KNOW SHAWN TO APPRECIATE THIS VISION I HAVE IN MY HEAD!!!…..BUT WHAT MAKES THIS STORY FRIGGIN “PRICELESS” IS THE FACT THAT RONNIE DIDN’T CARE,,,,READ ON, YOU’LL SEE!!!…wink…

SO NOW ANYWAY, ONE HOOD RAT LOOKS OVER AT SHAWN WHO WAS LAYING ON THE COUCH STILL IN SHOCK AND THE THUG YELLS OUT , “OH SHIT,, IT’S SHAWN RAY!!!”…THEN HE SAYS JOKINGLY, “HEY SHAWN ARE YOU HERE TO STEAL RONNIES SANDOW TROPHIES??”…ALL 3 MOMO HOOD RATS LAUGHED!!!…. SHAWN FRIGGIN GAGGED!!!!

AT THIS POINT SHAWN STILL IN SHOCK, QUICKLY CALLED UP RONNIE AND TOLD HIM THAT 3 HOOD RATS JUST CAMEBUSTING”  INTO HIS HOUSE AND THEY ARE VERY LOUD & HANGIN OUT IN RONNIES LIVING ROOM!!!….RONNIE CALMLY SAID “UUMMM OK”SHAWN SAID “THAT’S IT,,,UMMM OK???”….”RONNIE DO YOU HEAR WHAT I’M TELLING YOU??”….”I SAID 3 THUG LOOKIN GUYS JUST CAME INTO YOUR HOUSE LIKE THEY OWN THE PLACE,  DO EVEN YOU KNOW WHO THESE GUYS ARE??” .TO WHICH RONNIE REPLIED “HHHMMM I DON’T KNOW,,,  ASK THEM THEIR NAMES” … SO SHAWN ASKED THE 3 GUYS FOR THEIR NAMES AND WHEN SHAWN TOLD RONNIE THEIR NAMES RONNIE CALMLY SAID “OH OK,,, YEAH  I KNOW WHO THEY ARE,,, THEY’RE OK!!” ,,, “ OK SHAWN I GOTTA GO,  I’LL SEE YA LATER !!”…AND THAT WAS IT!!!!

YO YA GOTTA LOVE RONNIE COLEMAN, HE IS FUNNY WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING HE IS FUNNY!!!“When Ronnie Coleman has a wet dream, he wakes up with 8 dead hookers around his bed!!!”OH SHIT!!!… WAIT!!….WHAT??… OH SHIT, OOOPS THAT’S VICTOR MARTINEZ, ‘WET DREAM’ ,,, MY BAD!!!!

  “Ronnie Coleman once threw his used condom in the toilet 9 months later the Ninja Turtles were born!!!”….CASE IN POINT >>> RONNIE WAS TELLING US A STORY ONE-TIME WHERE HE WAS SQUATING IN THE GYM WITH LIKE 800 POUNDS ON THE BAR (AINT NUTHIN BUT A PEANUT!!!) WHEN ‘ALL OF A SUDDEN’ JUST AS RONNIE ‘SQUATED DOWN’ HE SAID HE HEARD A FRIGGIN “GUN SHOT!!”RONNIE QUCKLY ‘RACKED THE BAR’ AND SAID TO HIS TRAINING PARTNER >“YO DID YOU HEAR THAT, I HEARD A DAMN GUN SHOT!!”…THE TRAINING PARTNER TOLD RONNIE THAT HE IS ‘HEARING THINGS’ BECAUSE HE ( RONNIE’S TRAINING PARTNER) DIDN’T HEAR ANYTHING!!!!….RONNIE ASKED HS PARTNER ‘IF HE WAS SURE’ ,BECAUSE RONNIE ‘SWORE’ HE HEARD A “GUN SHOT” CLEAR AS DAY!!!….RONNIE JUST SHURGGED IT OFF AND HE FINSHED HIS LEG WORKOUT!!!

THEN, WHEN RONNIE WAS DRIVING HOME HE FELT HIS HAMSTRING  GETTING REAL SORE!!!….BY THE TIME RONNIE GOT HOME HE HAD TROUBLE WALKING INTO HIS HOUSE!!!…HE THOUGHT TO HIMSELF “DAMN WHY IS MY HANSTRING SO SORE, HE LOOKED BACK AT IT AND IT WAS BLACK & PURPLE!!!!!…..AS IT TURNS OUT>  THAT “THE GUN SHOT” THAT RONNIE HEARD WAS HIS HAMSTRING BLOWING OUT!!!…. HE ALSO ‘HERNIATED HIS DISK!!!’

NOW GAG AT THIS , THE REAL CRAZY PART TO THIS STORY IS THAT RONNIE ACTUALLY FINISHED HIS LEG WORKOUT” WITH A “HERNIATED DISK” AND A “BLOWN OUT HAMSTRING!!!!”..BUT HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS HURT!!!!….YES, IT’S TRUE!!!….THE WHOLE TIME RONNIE HAD NO CLUE THAT THE FRIGGIN LOUD “POP” IN HIS EARS WAS HIM ‘BLOWING OUT’ HIS MASSIVE HAMSTRING!!.. OH YEAH BABE,  THERE WAS NO GUN SHOT!!!..YA GOTTA LOVE RONNIE!!!…I KNOW I DO!!!

”The famous Texas Rooster ‘Foghorn Leghorn’ once said to Ronnie Coleman: >  “Listen to me,,, I say pay attention to me boy when I’m talkin to ya!!!!” …UMMM WRONG MOVE,… NO ONE TALKS TO RONNIE COLEMAN LIKE THAT!!!….A few moments later there was a loud scream and Ronnie Coleman was heard saying  “Anybody care for some Chicken Fricassee????”

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